The Things People Say!

Kay Morgan-Gurr • 3 December 2021

The funny, the rude and the downright perverse!

Three Stickman line drawings the two outer people are shouting through a megaphone at the person in the middle.

March 1st is International Wheelchair day, and December 3rd is International Day of Persons with Disabilities (#IDPD2021). Wow, that’s a mouthful!

You might not know that I’m a wheelchair user and as such, I get a lot of weird things said to me!


So, I wanted to have some fun and show some of the things said to me (Yes, you are allowed to laugh!)….and hope it also helps to raise awareness about how people see disability – and wheelchairs.


Sometimes I want to produce a postcard with the answers on for all the comments, questions and statements I get – but there wouldn’t be enough space!

I don’t have room to put all of them on here either! So, here is a smattering of them.


The ones people say a gazillion times, thinking they’re original:

  • Do you have a licence for that thing?
  • Have you passed your test in that? (Actually – yes!)
  • Don’t break the speed limit! 
  • Not bad driving for a woman. 
  • Referring to my hubby – can you tie a skateboard to the back for him? (Can I tie you to the back by the ankle?)
  • Can I have a go? (No you can’t!)


And the ‘you didn’t think about that before you said it, did you?!’ Section:

  • You’re too young and pretty to be in that wheelchair (you mean all female wheelchair users are all old hags??)
  • On the train – Can passengers remove luggage from the wheelchair area, we have a wheelchair onboard. (Wheelchair is a noun, I am a person and wheelchairs don’t drive themselves!).
  • You stood up, you must be faking it. (Most wheelchair users can walk a bit or stand)
  • Well done! (I went to the loo)
  • You’re so inspirational! (I crossed the road)


Then there’s the invasive curiosity (from complete strangers):

  • What did you do?
  • What’s wrong with you?
  • Why do you need that? (Said waving a hand at my wheelchair).
  • What? You’re married? How does that work? (I’ll leave you to work out the question that normally comes next)


I also have people who apparently know my disability better than me, give advice or tell me about my disability – often misinformation:

  • You need to exercise more – people like you don’t and then they end up getting really fat.
  • You’re too happy to have that…. (Said by a GP for goodness sake!)
  • Other people don’t need a wheelchair for ‘that’ – you must have just given up (the ‘that’ being referred to is a spectrum and is also complicated by another condition)


I get the weird and wonderful advice givers too, and most have a ‘friend of a second cousin twice removed who had that’ (or not even similar!)

  • Have you tried cutting out sugar?
  • Have you tried cutting out artificial sweetener?
  • What about yoga/pilates ?
  • You need more kale (I love kale…….it hasn’t worked)


I also get a lot of quack miracle cures forwarded to me by email and on social media. (Please don’t!)


The Christian community has its own brand of stupid when it comes to disability comments.
Here’s the common ones:

  • You need to pray more.
  • You need more faith.
  • You’ve not forgiven someone.
  • You have some unforgiven sins.
  • This is not God’s plan for your life.
  • This is God’s will for your life.

Those last two – so which is it?! (No need to answer that…)


Here’s some regular conversations that happen:

1.
Person: Can I pray for your legs
Me: No
Person: But God can heal you!
Me: He already has.
Person: *Goldfish like movements of the mouth*


2.
Person: Your illness is due to a generational curse.
Me: would that be my birth family, my foster family or my adoptive family?
Person: stunned silence
(For the record – this is REALLY bad theology!)


3. At a Christian festival
Me: Could you open the door for me please?
Person: There’s a leadership team meeting in there, so I can’t.
Me: I know, and I’m late, could you let me in please.
Person: *Looks me up and down* But it’s only for the leadership team
Me: (I’m wearing a leadership team badge). I’m part of the leadership team.
Person: Shakes head in disbelief.
Steward spots the problem and comes to my rescue…and lets me in.


4. At another festival where I’m speaking:
Me: *Arrives at the venue early to set up*
Person: Sorry, I can’t let you in, the speaker isn’t here yet.
Me: (smiling) I am the speaker.
Person: A moment of stunned silence and inactivity whilst staring at me.
Me: Can I go in and set up please?
Person: Finally lets me in.


And some of the regular actions:

  • Laying hands on me, without permission, to pray. (Both my conditions give severe pain, touch me in the wrong place on a bad day and you might not get the reaction you were expecting.)
  • Stroking my arm whilst speaking with me (See above)
  • The pitiful head tilt with ‘you’re so braaaave!’


These are just some of my stories – others will have different stories….but along the same themes!


I'm busy gathering some new ones - so might do another blog like this is a year's time!



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I retweeted something the other day – it was about a phrase that is often said to me: “I’d rather be dead”. What they are saying is; my disability is so awful they just can’t see how life could be worth living with one. It seems to be the prevailing thought and it couldn’t be further from the truth. Having been a nurse, I do like watching medical documentaries, and as such I can see why we move heaven and earth to prevent permanent disability. We do all we can to save all we can. But phrases from relatives make it clear that the worst catastrophe in the world would be for their loved one to have a permanent disability and that their loved one wouldn’t want to be kept alive if they were going to be disabled. A few others will say they would rather have their loved one alive and deal with any disability there may be…..sometimes this is couched with “I hope they will forgive me”. I know I’m making a judgement on an ‘in the moment’ comment here, but look wider and into many Hollywood themes around disability being the worst thing ever – the only time it’s a happy ending is if the person walks again, completely recovers…..or even dies – so the suffering is over. I actually like the way the NCIS tv franchise works – disabled people are cast just because there are disabled people doing those jobs in real life. They are not there to make a comment about disability, they are just there, one of the team and their disability is not the main focus. It’s the same in a couple of English tv programmes too, but this way of working is quite rare. **Trigger Warning – abortion** [just the next paragraph] When we look at elective abortion – the rules around this being allowed to happen up to 40 weeks are written in terms of a child’s disability being ‘incompatible with life’ – and I’m not disputing that here. I’m asking why parents are pushed towards elective termination, even at the point of being in labour, if their child has a survivable disability or disfigurement. Is it because so many medical people also view things like Down syndrome, cleft lip/palate, clubbed feet etc as incompatible with life? Many healthy disabled people are routinely asked when in hospital if they have signed a ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ form. Why? Non disabled people are not routinely asked that? This is why many disabled people fear euthanasia being allowed in the UK – especially if the rules are as liberal as they are in Canada. Where is the value of life? And why do people rarely value disabled lives? These views may not be spoken of in this way by Christians, but the implications are still there. It’s in how we speak about a child born with disabilities, how we respond to someone who has become disabled and how we couch everything in terms of fixing people. As I’m always saying, if our first contact with a disabled person outside of ‘The Church’ is “can I pray for your healing” what does that say about how the church views disability? We sometimes find disabled people ‘inspirational’ because they get on with life – they go shopping, cross roads and even go the the toilet alone. (Just like anyone else!) But seeing someone with a disability doing normal everyday stuff, for some reason, makes us feel better about our own lives. If all we can see about disability is the awful prospect of having one ourselves, then something is wrong. Like many others out there in the world, we in ‘The Church’ worship the idols of perfection, normalcy and what we call ‘ability’. If someone’s body doesn’t comply with that, then that’s their problem (and they need to be fixed). Our churches use ‘normal people’ – as worship leaders, as pastoral leaders and speakers. We roll out a disabled person when we want them to say something on the subject of disability or to inspire and make us feel better about ourselves. And yet, many with disabilities can’t access discipleship, leadership training, or even just normal Sunday worship. When access to any area of church life is an issue, we tend towards seeing the disabled person as the problem. Not the inaccessibility of what we do. Isn’t all this reflecting the thought “I’d rather be dead”?  Should we instead be saying saying “This is my brother/sister in Christ – it’s obvious I should treat them the same? Why would I want them another way?”
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[Note: I write the following from a deep love and respect for the Evangelical corner of the church. Out of that respect, I want the best for the churches, the leaders and those who attend. My sending church is an Evangelical Free church and I love it – deeply. They are family. In this blog I am talking generally, I’m not talking specifically about my own church.] There was a great article in a recent publication of Evangelicals Now (EN), written by Glen Scrivener. It was titled “Evangelical Futures: BWWS – The ‘Blokes Worth Watching’ Conveyor Belt”. (You can find it here – but it’s behind a paywall. Sign up for a free trial to see it) In it he uses analogies from a book called ‘The Trellis and the Vine’, where the writers give an image of the supporting structures (the trellis) surrounding the organic growth of God’s people (the vine). The article is is raw and honest, and I’ve taken that as permission to be raw and honest myself! I would normally be kind and gentle in how I work with people, so I apologise if this is not my normal gentle self. Glen in his article tells us that the ‘trellis’ is broken. I would go further and say it’s inaccessible too. I say this from personal experience and from seeing the disappointment and hurt of others. In the orthodox evangelical world, disability in any form will often get you chucked out of the BWW club or it will bar you from even entering it. When I’ve asked leaders if they also mentor disabled young people and those with additional needs the answer is clear: No. I’m a woman with disabilities, working in an evangelical ministry environment. I’ve been ignored in meetings only to have a man say the same thing and be applauded for their amazing idea. I’ve had the same thing happen because I’m disabled. I’ve had ‘able-splaining’ about things I am highly qualified to talk about and train/lecture in. (Able-splaining is a bit like mansplaining; A non disabled person explaining disability issues to a disabled person who “couldn’t possibly understand the complexity”….even though they actually know more!) I talk about issues of disability in the world of evangelicalism and I either get blank looks, thanks with no action, or ‘able-splained’ as to why I am wrong. There are rare exceptions, and I mean rare. If you’ve come to this blog and looked at the ‘about me’ page, you will see that I am a visually impaired wheelchair user working full time in the area of ministry alongside and with those who have disabilities or additional needs. I do consultancy and training and also lobby different groups about disabled people and those with additional needs being welcomed, discipled and mentored like any other person in the church. (Something I was doing BEFORE I became disabled myself – so this is not about me!) I also try to raise awareness as to what life is like out in the real world if you are disabled in any way. But I’m hitting a brick wall in many places. I’m also finding many gate keepers would could make a huge difference, but they don’t see it. Disabled people remain mainly unseen. With the work I do alongside families, the majority of complaints I get from them are about Evangelical churches, including being asked to leave their church for a variety of reasons – none of them valid. If I go to meetings about evangelism and mission, aside from the fact they are rarely accessible and organisers are happy to leave me at the back unable to join in with anything, disability is never on the agenda – we are not even worth evangelising . I’m told that they/we will naturally be included as part of the community…..but they/we are not, because we make what we do inaccessible for many. Using disabled people in outreach and on the planning groups is also something that is rare. We have to be intentional and proactive in all these areas. It won’t ‘just happen’. I once offered to do some free consultancy for an evangelical networking organisation – instead, they hired a non disabled man that knew nothing about the subject who kept ringing me for advice to feed back to the leadership. I could tell so many more stories! In the last couple of years I have found out that something else will always be more important and there will never be time to have this subject on an agenda. On the whole, we are seen as weak, powerless, a tragedy, not worth mentoring and disability is certainly not seen as worth having a bible study about. I am in my ministry because I became disabled later on. If I had been disabled at the point of feeling called to work as a children’s evangelist (with a very specific call to children with additional needs and disabilities), I wouldn’t be where I am today. Even if there was such a thing as women worth watching – disability would preclude me from it. I will never been seen as anything more than the person that moans about how ‘The Church’ does disability – even though I have many other gifts… I love my evangelical corner of the church, but I ache for those with disabilities and additional needs. I’m sad that the churches are missing out on such a huge blessing by not using their gifts, or maybe – not even seeing them as God’s perfect creation. I have the best job in the world – but a lot of the time it sucks.  It’s also a job that should not have to exist.
Silhouette of someone in a wheelchair facing a light. Their arms are stretched wide.
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Imagine being in a room where there’s about to be a meeting with lots of people attending. Some are already there, and others arriving. Now imagine people walking in, seeing you there, then stopping – swaying due to the sudden stop, and then suddenly doing a tight turn to walk in a different direction away from you. Imagine the same thing at meal times, or a panicked look if you go anywhere near the table they are seated at. I get this a lot, and I mean A LOT. But there are also people who will chat, sit with me, grab a cuppa and occasionally ask about my current knitting or crochet projects. I go to lots of meeting because of my ministry work and find that in those meetings people generally split into four categories: Those who know me and accept the physical changes I’ve gone through over the years. Those who don’t really know me, but don’t let my differences get in the way. Those who have known me in the past, but struggle with the changes I’ve gone through. Those who don’t know me at all, spot a wheelchair and make assumptions. Guess which ones stop and chat and which ones try to ignore my presence. Guess which ones blank me when I smile across the room. And guess how I feel when someone I knew ‘pre-wheelchair’ looks at me in utter horror and walks the other way. I’ve asked other wheelchair users if they get the same thing and they do, so it’s not just me. It hurts them too. What on earth is so horrific about using a wheelchair? Some struggle with it due to their theological beliefs. For some, I don’t fit neatly into their concept of ‘what a leader should look like’. I also mess plans up due the wheelchair and my visual impairment – it makes simple arrangements complicated because of the access I need: The building the meeting is in needs to be accessible with accessible facilities. I can’t get on a platform to speak (actually I can, but…’assumptions’…which means I’m rarely asked). When attendees are asked to come to the front to do something or respond, I can’t because of all the tables/chairs/people in the way. I can’t even fetch my own drink or food most of the time. Yep, my wheelchair messes people’s plans up – big time! Some have never met a disabled person and just don’t know what to do. And apparently, 67% of brits are scared of talking to disabled people! (Scope research). It’s not rocket science! Just talk to us like you would anyone else. Smile, and don’t be scared. We are humans who just happen to use wheels.  For me – I won’t tell you off if you use the ‘wrong’ language, because I get it wrong too. And…… I don’t like tea! (Bring me coffee and I’ll be your friend for life!)
Poster with parachuting man in wheelchair. Text: Can’t exists, but I’m too busy with can to worry
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Poster is from Stickman Communications Image description: A4 Poster with paragliding stickman who is in a wheelchair. Text: Can’t exists…but I’m too busy with can to worry about it.
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