A post I've struggled to write....

This has been for many reasons - NONE of which are disinterest.

If anything, it's the exact opposite.

A lot of what has been happening has been just too close to home. Painful reminders of a life gone by. It's brought back memories, the feeling of not being believed, emotional and spiritual abuse and much more.

I've not wanted to go there - and with good reason.

Also, I've had no personal connection with any of the organisations or people who have been prominently in the news over the last few years, although for some of those - I have not been surprised by the allegations. I've also not been surprised by the appalling way they have been dealt with.

My own experience as a child, when an adult noticed what was happening to me, has set me up to believe these things are often brushed under the carpet. That adult was called an hysterical woman and firmly put in her place. A missed opportunity to do something to help myself and my brother.

I've also struggled with workplace bullying in the Christian world of ministry, inappropriate comments and being seen as less than and unworthy because of my disability; a bad example to others because of my perceived poor faith - made obvious by my disability.

I've seen spiritually abusive people rise to power. I've had to deal with people accused of abuse but been unable get any police charges due to women just not wanting to take it any further....and then seeing that person move to a different role in the Christian world, ready to begin kingdom building and most likely to abuse all over again. I did talk to those employers but was not taken seriously.

Believe me, I know how ugly the church can be over these things.

Thank goodness I have seen some churches and organisations who do this stuff really well.

My heart went out to all those hurt and hurting in every situation I've seen arise in these last few years. I've wanted proper acknowledgement and apologies for them.

But there's something that can happen to people who have been subjected to emotional and spiritual abuse for much of their lives....

For me, I'm known for my 'spidey senses' when it comes to safeguarding. My 'gut' often tells me when something is 'off' and to watch closely. Those times have proved to be totally correct and many of those people have been removed from teams I've run.

When you've been abused yourself, you just know what to look for. I've also had a lot of training in safeguarding which has refined what I do to be more than just those 'spidey senses. They work together to keep people safe.

But on the other hand, when your whole life has been wrought with the inappropriate behaviour of others, plus emotional and spiritual abuse and much gaslighting, it can seem so normal you end up missing it - especially when it's you it's directed at, and even more so when that person is a so called 'friend'.

You see it on behalf of others, often you challenge it - as anyone should do to a friend who is out of line ("oy, that was out of order!" is one phrase I use), but we often only see it when it's not us being hurt but someone else. You see it and report it, because you can see the pain in their eyes. But in yourself? You miss it, because that was what the first 30 years of your life looked like. An uncomfortable but well worn straight jacket that was just normal and you didn't know any different.

This is just one of the many reasons why people don't speak out until later and after others have come forward first - if you've lived with the abuse for your whole life in a different context, it's hard to recognise in another context until others point it out. Those who abuse know who to target - those who are vulnerable and are the least likely to call them out.

It wasn't until I was 19 that I started to notice that what I thought was normal really wasn't. It took another 6 - 7 years to realise the extent of why it wasn't normal. I'm so grateful for people in the church I now attend (from the age of 17) who helped to put me back together.
But I'm sad for the lost friendships from my previous church when I dared to publically speak out about what I went through there.

Don't judge those who remain silent in the public space about these issues. Not everyone feels they can speak out or make a statement.
Most of us don't want to put ourselves under the microscope of voyeuristic  scrutiny. We need the choice of when to speak out and not feel forced into it against our better judgement - just because people think we should.

That's all I want to say really.
But please note; disabled people are 3 times more likely to experience abuse and are the least likely to be believed. 'The Church'  is no different in this.